After a fascinating coaching session with a senior executive, I want to share a conviction: the term “toxic” applied to people is a dangerous shortcut that often says more about us than about others.
Why do we label so easily?
Calling someone toxic is quick and comfortable. It saves us from questioning ourselves and externalizes the problem. Yet, behind this label lie several mechanisms:
→ Our own discomfort: the person clashes with our values, our worldview, our way of working. What’s toxic to me may not be toxic to you.
→ A protective reflex: faced with behaviors that destabilize us (aggression, passivity, cynicism, victimization), we prefer to distance ourselves rather than understand.
→ Collective pressure: sometimes, it’s the group that designates the “toxic” person, creating a self-perpetuating dynamic of exclusion.
→ Our own lack of tools: we don’t always know how to manage conflict, set healthy boundaries, or communicate our needs. So we blame.
What “toxic” behaviors actually reveal
Behind every problematic behavior, there’s almost always one or more identifiable causes:
- A skills mismatch: the person lacks the relational, emotional, or technical skills for their role
- An unsuitable environment: they’re evolving in a company culture, team, or role that doesn’t match their strengths
- Unmet needs: recognition, autonomy, security, meaning… when these fundamental needs are frustrated, behaviors deteriorate
- Lack of feedback: no one has ever clearly told them the impact of their actions
- Personal suffering: stress, burnout, personal difficulties that spill over into the professional sphere
How to address the situation differently?
1️⃣ Name the behaviors, not the person Don’t say “you’re toxic,” but “this behavior has this impact.” It’s factual, it’s debatable, it’s transformable.
2️⃣ Seek to understand before judging Ask open-ended questions: “What drives you to react this way?” “What would you need to approach things differently?” Curiosity disarms.
3️⃣ Evaluate person-role fit Sometimes, the solution isn’t to change the person, but to reposition them where they can shine. A “toxic” person in customer service might be excellent in technical back-office.
4️⃣ Provide the means for change Training in nonviolent communication, coaching, mediation, clarification of expectations… You can’t ask someone to change without giving them the tools.
5️⃣ Set clear and compassionate boundaries Empathy doesn’t mean accepting everything. We can understand the reasons for a behavior while firmly establishing what is and isn’t acceptable in a professional setting.
6️⃣ Question our own contribution A difficult but essential question: what am I doing (or not doing) that contributes to this dynamic? Am I clear enough, available enough, listening enough?
The uncomfortable question
Let’s keep in mind this uncomfortable reality: we’re probably someone else’s “toxic” person who hasn’t dared tell us.
Perhaps our high standards are experienced as harassment. Our directness comes across as brutality. Our withdrawal is perceived as contempt. Toxicity is in the eye of the beholder.
In conclusion
Before labeling, let’s try to understand. Before rejecting, let’s offer tools. Before excluding, let’s question the system that produces these behaviors.
Tolerance, openness, and empathy aren’t managerial weaknesses: they’re the most powerful levers for transforming difficult relationships into opportunities for collective growth.
This doesn’t mean accepting everything, but understanding everything before deciding.
What about you—what’s been your experience with people you or others labeled as “toxic”? What really made the difference?
#Leadership #Management #EmotionalIntelligence #Empathy #HumanDevelopment #Coaching #CompanyCulture